


The Leather Pants Situation

by orphan_account



Series: What We Do In The Semidarkness [8]
Category: American Horror Story: Apocalypse
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen, Humor, Pre-Relationship, Slice of Life, Vampire Michael, What We Do In The Shadows AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 15:36:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21077282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What really happened with the leather pants.





	The Leather Pants Situation

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Takes place 2 years before Mallory becomes Michael's familiar.

“Alright let’s go, I’m ready,” Michael announces, flouncing down the staircase and leaning up against the bannister. The movement isn’t as cool and unaffected as he’d like it to be. His pants are much too stiff for the pose to look natural.

“What the shit is this?” Madison asks. “You look like a blind man’s Kate Moss.”

“It’s poor man not blind man,” Gallant corrects her gently. 

Madison huffs and gestures at the eyesore that is Michael in red leather pants. “But he’s blinding me. My eyes are burning.”

Michael’s haughty expression falls for a moment. He straightens out of his awkward lean and shuffles his feet, uncertain. “You don’t like them? Lestat says they’re all the rage in France.” 

Gallant does something complicated with his face and twirls a finger. “Turn around for us, Michael.” The blond vampire spins dutifully in a circle and braces for the verdict, shoulders up by his ears. “Yeah…” Gallant says, “so, they definitely remind me of a baboon’s ass.” 

“What!” Michael yells, glaring at his housemates. “You fustilarians are just jealous of my good taste. You wouldn’t know fashion if it snuck up behind you and decapitated you.”

Madison rolls her eyes. “Put a cork in it Top Model. It’s obvious your brother’s taking the piss.”

“I don’t have to listen to your petty attempts to poison our relationship,” Michael hisses, curling his sharp nails menacingly. “Lestat apologized for the incident with the pitchfork and that time in Canada with the muskox.”

Tossing his hair dramatically, Michael turns to stalk away and collides with Gallant’s familiar Nan. The blue slushie Nan’s slurping goes flying, rotating end over end before splashing all down Michael’s front. 

The vampire’s look of shock is comical. Nan tips her head back and sweeps her keen eyes from the crown of his head to the tips of his toes. “You should watch where you’re going, Mr. Langdon,” she says apathetically, ignoring the murderous twitch of Michael’s eye. “I think your pants are smoking.” 

Michael drops his stare to his blue-raspberry stained crotch and gasps. The red leather is in fact smoking. Ominous looking bubbles rise in the material, making the pants writhe like a sentient being. That's when the burning sets in. 

The former Terror of Versailles shrieks with alarm and becomes a blur of red and black, sprinting for the downstairs bathroom. As soon as the door slams shut, Madison and Gallant are there with their ears pressed to the door.

“Michael,” Gallant ventures, knocking tentatively. “Are you alright, good chap?”

They hear something tear and a low groan of pain. 

“The blue slop is having some sort of reaction with the powdered infant I used to get the pants on. I’m afraid it’s bonded to my thighs,” Michael tells them, voice strained.

“So rip them off, you pansy,” Madison says. “Come on, we don’t have all night. The movie starts at ten!”

It’s quiet for a moment. 

“You know,” Gallant ventures, nervously smoothing his waistcoat, “aqueous solutions of urea have shown promise in the dissolution of some polymers.”

“YOU ARE NOT PEEING ON ME!” Michael shouts through the door.

Madison bats her eyelashes at Gallant and pouts. “You never offer to pee on me. I thought that we were friends.” 

Gallant scowls and looks intently at the wall over her head, arms crossed defiantly. “Shut up, Madison. I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.” 

Madison bares her fangs threateningly and pounds on the door. “Michael open this door or I’ll break it down! I’ll wax you like an Egyptian prostitute if I have to. I am not going to miss a movie about a woman copulating with a fish!”

**30 minutes later. **

Michael flinches when someone spills their Mountain Dew in the lobby and refuses to sit next to Gallant in the theatre. Madison is disappointed by the lack of fish dick.

Nan pays no attention to their bullshit. Determined to enjoy her evening out, she gets popcorn and Junior Mints. 


End file.
